I recently rushed from my workplace to buy a book and could not believe the difficulty involved in getting there and getting home. As it so happens, the incident may have caused some lasting PTSD, but it also provided inspiration. So, without further adieu, here is my tale of adventure as told by a traumatized psyche and one too many salutes along lovely California roads…

My quest began immediately after departing from a daily dose of balancing calm with calamity which others refer to as “employment”. I tossed a few meager belongings upon my faithful ebon steed and ventured forth into the chaos of ogres, orcs, trolls and other adversaries intent on barring my righteous path. The harsh roads were filled with furious roars as mechanical monstrosities attempted to close in on me. I poured everything I had into lunges, dodges and occasional grunts of unintelligible words no child should be exposed to lest their ears shrivel up and fall off.

I dutifully ignored any wailing horns and waved off an upraised finger here and there in salute of my keen navigation skills. My lovely companion and navigator attempted to offer alternate routes but invariably gave up as my keen senses led me towards my quarry via back roads and hidden avenues. Siri’s constant insistence to remain with the horde of churning metal and mental instability became tiresome and I gestured defiantly, following the ancient laws of touch which sent her into blissful slumber.

Before long, I parked my steed near the cave of wonders and charged the entrance, waving my mystical Costco card which mesmerized the entrance guard long enough for me to enter uninhibited. I was at once accosted by magical flat-screen window merchants offering to entice me with glimpses into realms beyond of no less than three dimensions.

For a moment I knew temptation.

I quickly averted my eyes, knowing their power would drag me to my doom and I dove past the silver-tongued merchants. Another one with sparkling eyes and blinding white teeth presented me with a means of gathering the power of lightening from the light of day using panels of my choosing. I side-stepped the merchant of lightning and found another mystical merchant. This one offered me glowing rectangular shards he claimed to be made from a fruit of highest quality, but I knew all too well of the forbidden magic my Siri originated.

I held fast to my quest and before long spotted my destination. In the center of the mighty cave of wonders lay the tomes of wisdom and scrolls of other worlds imagined… waiting for my arrival. Each possessing adventures galore and easily accessible knowledge without the need for lightning or accessories to produce the magic within. Truly a gift for generations!

Without warning, an irrational fear came over me.

Perhaps my prize is not here. I thought. Perhaps it will not be mine this day and when I return to my castle, only failure will be my reward! My fears slowed my approach as I studied each title and image with growing anxiety. A glimmer of light caught my eye and the unmistakable cover art called to me. I drew closer, eager to take my prize when a frog-faced wizard nearly collided with me. I could not help but stare at his large eyes as he stole my forward momentum in an instant. I staggered as he approached the cache of wisdom ahead of me and I nearly tripped over his trailing tyrannical oxygen tank.

Coming to my senses, I drew back and prepared for battle. He clearly realized my prowess was beyond his ancient skill as he removed his spectacles and asked a nearby merchant for assistance in locating something called an O’Reilly book of Killing or something of the sort.

He would not find a means of killing me this day! I quickly snatched up the prize to make my escape and turned. I was face to face with towering twin bears looking down at me with malice. Each fluffy giant was at least four times my size and I leapt towards a mass of young goblins, who wanted to befriend the two towering monstrosities. They closed on me as I forged ahead. Only my reflexes and lifetime of consumerism-magics allowed me to escape with my life.

The path outside was in my sights and I knew departing would prove more difficult, requiring not only the mesmerizing Costco card, but also a second, which raised the Visa-spirits to my side. All obstacles fell away and I attained safe passage through the cave exit.

My steed waited patiently and together we turned towards home and started fighting the current of wild-eyed maniacs and ravenous shopaholics. Into the fray I went, leaving the tamer parking structure conflicts and battling rage-maddened demons yet again. Horns and fingers raised in celebration as I vanquished one adversary after another until finally my castle lay in the horizon.

I returned home beaten, tired and hungry… but triumphant!

And so my quest ends alongside the fading light of day and my battle scars are worn with pride. On the morrow I shall begin a trek through the pages of my prize and a new adventure shall begin.

Gratefully, I shall not require more than a comfortable chair and light to read by.

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